Where I write Diwali greetings cards with Squad Goals for each NBA team.
This feature was first published in my column for Ekalavyas.com on November 7, 2016. Read the original version here.
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| Photo courtesy: Ekalavyas. Image by Harshika Jain |
It is of some fortune for NBA teams that the new season is
starting off around the same time as billions of Indians around the world
celebrate Diwali, the beginning of a fresh, new year. Just replace the LED
lights with some diyas, tune down the
sound of the DJ with some fireworks, and turn our attention to the demigods on
the court.
Diwali is synonymous with greeting cards and large parcels
of gifts, usually consisting of diabetes-inducing laddoos and addictive kaju-kishmish
combinations, as friends pass on their good wishes to each other. Some need
wishes of better performance in their exams, some for good health, and some for
financial stability.
What wishes do the NBA teams desire? Of course, the ultimate
goal of each team is to eventually win a championship (yes, even the 76ers,
despite what seems like a ‘process’ as pain-inflicting and long as the whole of
the kal-yug). But what are their
realistic aims for the 2016-17 season? Every team, from the Warriors to the
Nets, will start the season with the same record, 0-0. Where do they hope to go
from there? With the new season and the new year on the Hindu calendar on the
way, here are some of my wishes for each squad.
Atlanta Hawks: A
new guest is in your house, a guest that calls your city his home. May Dwight
Howard find peace in his hometown next to Paul Millsap, may Dennis Schröder not
falter as the lead point guard, and may you survive the loss of Al Horford to
remain a playoff contender in a rebuilt year for the Eastern Conference.
Boston Celtics: May
the arrival of Al Horford from Boston bring you prosperity. The mantle for
‘second-best’ in the East is up for the taking, and we shower blessings for
Coach Brad Stevens to figure out a perfect formula with the depth at his
disposal to give you that mantle.
Brooklyn Nets: You
suffer from lack of talent and lack of a future First Round draft pick. Wishing
that you’ll do the decent thing to trade Brook Lopez away from his pain. When
things look dark, put more wax in the diya
for some optimistic light: at least you could get a season of
semi-Linsanity with Jeremy Lin back in New York.
Charlotte Hornets: May
Coach Clifford’s defensive intensity stay as consistent as ever, but for you to
return to the playoffs, you will need Kemba Walker to have some help on
offense, too. Hopefully the gods will fix Michael Kidd-Gilchrist’s jump-shot so
that he can master basketball as well as Arjun mastered the teer-kaman.
Chicago Bulls: You
see that box of Diwali sweets that just rolled up to your house? Sure, the chocolates,
bundi-wallah laddoos and barfis, look amazing right now, but
remember that you can’t just have all the sweets, you need a balanced diet. You
are blessed with the ‘Three Alphas’ in Rajon Rondo, Dwyane Wade, and Jimmy
Butler, but where is the outside shooting coming from? You are very intriguing,
my Bulls, and a few healthy options in your diet could make you a surprisingly
dangerous playoff team.
Cleveland Cavaliers: Your
Diwali night was the ring ceremony, where you raised your banner and were
celebrated as returning champions, and your Big Three of LeBron-Irving-Love is
similar to the triumphant return of Ram-Laxman-Sita from Lanka. Lakshmi has
been good to you in recent years. Your goal is to stay healthy, the East is
yours for the taking but don’t underestimate it. Returning to the NBA Finals is
a must, and after that, may you repeat your Ramayan once again with another
title for Cleveland.
Dallas Mavericks: Here’s
wishing that you don’t let people forget about you. You have a good coach
(Carlisle) and a solid, if aging, backbone (Nowitzki). May your new additions –
Barnes and Bogut – slide in seamlessly into the lineup, and your point guard –
Deron Williams – show more consistency.
Denver Nuggets: Yes,
you are sure to go through some of the bumps in the road. That is a part of
youth, dear Nuggets. Don’t be down with failure this season, you must keep a
long-term approach. May your brigade of exciting young players – Emmanuel
Mudiay, Nikola Jokic, Jamal Murray, Jusuf Nurkic, Will Barton – grow into great
talents.
Detroit Pistons: May
Guru Dronayacharya, I mean, Stan Van Gundy, be a positive influence on you and
may Andre Drummond learn to make his free-throws. Many believe that you have
the ability to become the surprise team in the East: my wish is that improved
performances by Drummond, health for Reggie Jackson, and consistent outside
shooting brings the chants of ‘DET-ROIT-BAS-KET-BALL’ back to the playoffs.
Golden State
Warriors: Congratulations, for better or worse, you are heading towards a
mythical season. Diwali is not a time for negative wishes, but so much
negativity has been showered upon you recently that you must turn it into a
feeling a revenge and retribution. You blew a 3-1 lead, the worst job of
defending an advantage at home since Raavan in Lanka; nothing but a
championship ring will be good enough. I wish great chemistry to Durant, Curry,
Green, and Thompson and I wish for a historical season in the Bay.
Houston Rockets: You
do not need my blessings for offense: between Coach Mike D’Antoni and James
Harden, you will have no trouble with the prosperity of points. But life is all
about balance, my Rockets, and without defence, you can wave those post-season
dreams goodbye. I wish to you the gift of more defensive intensity so that you
are not just fun to watch, but successful, too.
Indiana Pacers: Count
your blessings, dear Pacers, I’m sure only the intervention of Lord Dhanvantari
helped Paul George return to the court and back to superstar status. I wish to
you more continued health for PG-13 as he makes an ambitious bid for the MVP
award. You are in arm’s reach away from the Eastern Conference Finals, and I
wish that your role players – Myles Turner, Monta Ellis, Jeff Teague, Thaddeus
Young – can provide George the supporting cast he needs.
Los Angeles Clippers:
I wish to you to stop complaining, dear Clippers. Sure, you’ve never been
past the Second Round despite a wealth of talent, but you are blessed with a
strong, consistent core of Blake Griffin, Chris Paul, and DeAndre Jordan. You
can be a legitimate challenger to the Warriors in the West: my blessings for
you to figure out some team chemistry issues so you may finally make franchise
history.
Los Angeles Lakers: Kobe
has gone, crossing over the river from the Maya to the Atman, achieving
basketball immortality and Nirvana. This is a good opportunity, young Lakers,
for you to start over in the mortal with new deities to worship. Sure, you will
lose a lot, but you should stay in track for a strong rebuild. May D’Angelo
Russell, Brandon Ingram, Jordan Clarkson, and Julius Randle, form a strong
young core and the distractions of the great Swaggy P kept to a minimum. The
latter will need some extra prayers.
Memphis Grizzlies: Lakshmi’s
blessings of prosperity have been especially kind to Mike Conley, who now has
the richest contract in the NBA. Times are changing in the league, but you
remain the same. I wish for health for Marc Gasol, offensive output and
shooting from Chandler Parsons, and for Conley to live up to his contract and
make Lakshmi proud. May the dominance of the gritting and grinding era never
end.
Miami Heat: Life
has its ups and downs. A few years ago, you were blessed with the NBA’s best
players, had championships, a great coaching and management staff, and weather
to attract the top free agents. The top players are gone but you must count
your blessings because all the rest is still intact. Starting new without a
long-term loved one – Dwyane Wade – is never easy. I wish you a relatively
painless rebuild.
Milwaukee Bucks: There
are some curious creatures in the universe with the power to astonish,
surprise, and leap into greatness with the finesse of a hiran. In Giannis Antetokounmpo, the ‘Greek Freak’, you have one
such special creature, a hiran, I
mean, a Buck. I wish you the best for the ‘Point Giannis’ experiment and for
him to make a tantalising young duo along with Jabari Parker. You have my
blessings to jump back to a playoff spot in the East.
Minnesota
Timberwolves: This Diwali, I won’t offer you any good fortune: you already
have been showered with luck by Lakshmi after adding Karl-Anthony Towns, Andrew
Wiggins, Zach LaVine, and Coach/President Tom Thibodeau in recent years. But
fortune is only half the job: now, you need to follow Guru Thibodeau’s lead and
become the hardest working team in the NBA. A long-awaited return to the
playoffs is near.
New Orleans Pelicans:
Do you know that some souls have a third-eye chakra, a part of the brain
that sees more than the physical realms of the two eyes, that can see into the
people of humans and into the future of the universe. This is a very special
gift, and you, dear Pelicans, have a special soul with the ‘third eye’ in
Anthony Davis. His has the shape of a unibrow, but the results are the same:
dominance. At times, the talent around Davis could make this season seem
depressing: I wish continued health for Davis and consistent play from his
teammates to make sure the future remains bright.
New York Knicks:
One of the most contentious traditions of Diwali is gambling, and this Diwali,
you have really gone for a high-stakes gamble, adding Derrick Rose and Joakim
Noah to a squad with Carmelo Anthony and Kristaps Porzingis. I wish that all
these maha-yoddhas mesh together to
thrive in your holy triangle and you treat those long-suffering fans with deep
playoffs action.
Oklahoma City
Thunder: Don’t feel alone Russell Westbrook, the brother by your side has
left you for Bay-area pastures, but you have some decent teammates around you:
Steven Adams, Victor Oladipo, and Enes Kanter. Perhaps no individual has as
much pressure to carry team like Westbrook does. Hanuman moved a mountain,
remember. Westbrook would himself say: “Why not?”
Orlando Magic: You
confuse me Magic-wallahs. What’s up
with all the bigs? Remember, the holiday season is a time of generosity, too,
and each generous act returns to one with greater goodness. Trade away some
players, give away some players, edit and sharpen your roster. You have a good
coach in Frank Vogel and some interesting pieces – I wish Aaron Gordon develops
into a star and you have some real jadoo in
Orlando in the future.
Philadelphia 76ers: Remember,
Diwali didn’t happen in a day. It took Ram, Laxman, and Sita the suffering of
exile from their kingdom, a kidnapping, a battle, and a long stroll back to
return to Ayodha triumphantly. You have been broken down, but every depth
leaves room for a rebuild. Nurse your injuries and enjoy your precious gifts. I
guess what I’m trying to say is: trust the process.
Phoenix Suns: Believe
in your karma, Suns. A decade before the Warriors free-wheeling,
three-point-shooting style revolutionised the NBA, you did it first and nearly
perfected the art. You have an inexperienced team right now, but the fruits of
your labour will come back to bless you in the future. Be patient. Devin Booker
is the real deal.
Portland Trail
Blazers: May Damian Lillard truly become an MVP-level talent and may your
role players grow to greatness besides him. After the first three teams, the
Western Conference is there for the taking; with Lillard as your leader, may
you improve on your playoff performances from last year and even go a step
further.
Sacramento Kings: I
hope that when he inaugurated the new arena – the ‘Golden 1 Center’ – your
Indian-born owner Vivek Ranadive decorated with ample diyas and agarbattis and
held a grah-puja to court the
blessings of all the gods. You are going to need it. The only true raja among those Kings is DeMarcus
Cousins. May he find basketball nirvana in the league – even if it means a
trade for him and a few new faces for you.
San Antonio Spurs: The
last two decades have been your satya yug,
a time where paradise has come on Earth, and you have enjoyed unprecedented,
continued success. Now that the leadership of Tim Duncan is over, may the good
times continue with Kawhi Leonard as your franchise player. May you be blessed
with one more title and some much-needed smiles for Kawhi.
Toronto Raptors: You
were blessed with a franchise-best season last year. How do you follow up with
the rising expectations? You know what to expect from Kyle Lowry and DeMar
DeRozan, but I wish that Jonas Valanciunas will develop into a game-changing
center this year so you can continue to become an elite team in the East with a
realistic chance of upsetting the Cavaliers.
Utah Jazz: Do you
know the story of Satyavadi Harishchandra, an ancestor of Ram? At one time, he
was a great, rich king, just like you were a great contender with Stockton and
Malone. But by the manipulation of Vishwamitra, Harishchandra lost everything
and spent years in suffering. You, our Jazzy friends, have suffered a lot in
recent years too. But remember, Harishchandra’s tragic story had a happy
ending, and he came to rule Ayodha. You have an uber-talented young core: may
your tapasya pay off so you return to
the playoffs and become one of the surprise teams in the West.
Washington Wizards: Listen,
I get it, brothers fight, it’s been happening forever, from Pandavs and Kauravs
to Cain and Abel. The tension between your talented backcourt of John Wall and
Bradley Beal is worrisome but not unfixable. Without pukka-dosti, a good bond between your backcourt, your playoff
chances will be dim. I wish you camaraderie and positive vibes for the rest of
the season.
