This article was first published in my column for Ekalavyas on August 4, 2015. Click here to read the original post.
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| Photo Courtesy: Ekalavyas |
Hey you! Yes, you, my faithful reader. My companion through
words and internet clicks. I’m addressing you all. All of you, drop what you’re
doing (unless it’s a basketball, in which case, drop it and dribble it back up)
and listen.
We know that – even as Indians – we are all different. We
speak dozens – if not hundreds – of different languages. We argue over Amir,
Shah Rukh, or Salman. We throw leg spins and off spins. Some prefer Gulab Jamuns to Rasgullas. Among us our Hindus, Muslims, Sikhs, Christians, Jains,
Buddhists, Zoroastrians, atheists, and those who only believe in the Holy
Church of Michael Jordan. We travel by planes, sleeper trains, auto-rickshaws,
and bail gadis. Some of us love
Butter Chicken, some love Mutton Sukka,
and many will politely ask you to refrain the meat in favour of the humble daal and subzi, thank you very much.
And yet, if you’re here, then we all have one thing in
common, and that is the game of basketball.
But, as you already know, my dear reader, we Indians – even
among NBA fans – are not all alike. And therefore, our NBA fandom will be as
different as night and day or Gulab
Jamuns and Rasgullas, too.
In North America, choosing NBA fandom is relatively simpler.
If you’re from a city or live in a city that has a pro basketball team, you
usually pick that team. If you live near a city that has a pro basketball team
and have access to their arena, you usually pick that team. If the star of your
college or from your state plays for an NBA team, maybe you divert your fandom
towards that team. Or sometimes, like everywhere else in the world, you pick
your team simply by following your favourite player.
But what about basketball fans internationally? And
specifically, fans in India? Until Satnam Singh actually makes his debut in a
Dallas Mavericks jersey – which is a possibility but far from a guarantee –
what team should we pick as our favourite? Fans in India are over 10,000
kilometers on the other side of the world to New York, Los Angeles, San
Antonio, or Miami. For most of us, the home city a player plays for hardly
matters: we can only relate with what happens inside an NBA arena, and nothing
else.
Established fans are already steadfast about their choices.
India has a large number of Lakers fans (mostly from the Kobe/Shaq and the
continuing Kobe era), Bulls fans (because everyone loves Lord Jordan, and the
D-Rose era has been nice too), Celtics fans (to balance out the Lakers, and the
recent Big Three era), Spurs fans (all they do is win) and fans of whatever
LeBron does. With the average Indian NBA fan getting more immersed in the
league as ever, fans of the Thunder, Clippers, and of course, the reigning
champion Warriors have emerged. And then there are fans like me who love the
Knicks and inexplicably decide that self-flagellation is truly the quickest way
to basketball nirvana.
But I’m talking to you, undecided, or new NBA fan in India.
Let’s find you an NBA team that fits your exact life configuration. Consider
this a
shaadi.com of basketball
match-making; we’ll find you a team that fits your
kundli and personality perfectly. Some of the explanations may be
confusing, but I implore you, dear reader, to have faith and just go with it.
Are you big city kid who likes success as much as you like
dramatic soap operas? Would you watch basketball if Abhishek Bachchan and other
celebrities watched it, too? You my friend, sound like an ideal Los Angeles Lakers fan. Good or bad,
this bandwagon is never boring.
Are you similar to the person above, but instead have
watched flop movies most of your life, and suddenly, those flops have a bigger
budget and are doing better than the previous Bollywood stars? Do you like
Gurgaon? Your team is the Los Angeles
Clippers. Enjoy the hype and suffer the curse.
Do you hate everything about Bollywood and showbiz? Are you
a grown adult who had 90 percent of his best experiences in college, and still
can’t help but remind everyone about it? You need to start following the Boston Celtics, the antitheses to the
showbiz Lakers but equally as successful. The only problem: most of their
success came decades ago.
Do you like Goa, hanging out at the beach, and finding
parties? Are you feeling hot all the time? Are you only considering to adopt an
NBA team when they’re popular, and are happy partying with your friends in
ignorance when they’re not? Consider the Miami
Heat.
Do you really, really love EsselWorld, even as an adult, and
even if most of your experiences there were horrible experiences? It’s time you
picked the team in America’s amusement park capital, the Orlando Magic. The ride will be mostly forgettable and puke-y, but
every once in a while, the roller-coaster will go really high (Shaq, Dwight).
Were you the quiet guy in class who didn’t speak to anyone,
came 1st every year, got into a good college, came 1st
again, did some amazing and wonderful things, and still didn’t speak to anyone?
Did you grew up somewhere like Dehradun, Allahabad, or Visakhapatnam? You sound
like a San Antonio Spurs fan. Words
are overrated, anyways. Go out and win.
Are you just like the person above, except you’re just not
good enough? Are you adept at doing a good job at work without attracting too
much attention to yourself? Maybe you should settle for the Atlanta Hawks.
You buy Tata Sky. It works extremely well for a few days, but
then it breaks down, and the mechanics can’t fix it. You switch to AirTel,
Hathway, DEN, and everything else, and the same happens, so much so that you
now expect every good cable service to eventually fail you. Did you have a
chance to switch to the greatest and most reliable cable service of All Time
but instead settled for Sam Bowie? Hi there, Portland Trail Blazers fan.
For years, you have stood out from the rest of your gang as
being the tough guy, the guy who doesn’t complain about his conditions and doesn’t
believe in getting too fancy. You travel by Sleeper or General class on the
train and actually like being stuck in traffic jams. Unfortunately, Detroit Pistons fan, your latest
traffic jam doesn’t seem to be ending anytime soon.
Are you a math wizard? Do you apply advanced concepts of
calculus to everything from designing new computer hardware to sharing the
payment for a plate of samosas with your friends? Despite your intellectual
advantages, do you flop and complain to get your way done? Let me introduce you
to Moreyball, James Harden, and the Houston
Rockets.
Every day, you are wearing a suit and riding the Mumbai
Local with a newspaper in your hand. You criticize every news item you read on
the way. Every day, the train breaks down, you get late for work, and you spill
a cup of chai all over your suit. You are angry at yourself, but for some
reason, you convince yourself and everyone around you that the next day will be
better. It never is. Join the New York
Knicks.
You are from a small town and have gone tired of the limited
opportunities. But suddenly, over the past few years, a number of good-looking
girls (or boys, if that is your preference) move into your town. The nearest
Café Coffee Day is buzzing. It’s a good time to become a Milwaukee Bucks fan.
If you are the same as above,
except that the new attractive people in your town are supermodels and all of
them have unibrows. New Orleans Pelicans.
Those CCDs are about to get insane.
You are the nicest guy whose
favourite novel is Chetan Bhagat’s “Half Girlfriend” because you can totally
relate to being in a friend-zone relationship. You still haven’t asked that
girl out; the flirting has gone pretty well, and although you get angry and
emotional every once in a while, you are mostly harmless to her. The Toronto Raptors will suit you really
well.
Your girlfriend was nice to you,
but she’s been wanting to leave for a better guy for years. Finally, you stop
resisting, but instead of spending your single-hood in depression, you find the
company of younger, more interesting girls. Life still isn’t any better, but
it’s looking up. Pick the Minnesota
Timberwolves.
You are from a small city, and
the most beautiful girl in the city was your girlfriend. She even went on to
become Miss India. Unfortunately, she was unhappy with you and left you to hang
out with the guy who parties in Goa a lot. You hated her for four years, but
after partying a lot with other famous friends, she decided to come back to
you, and you have accepted her with open arms. Things are going pretty well for
now (until she leaves you again). Look up the Cleveland Cavaliers.
Instead of buying a great new
car, do you like to upgrade your old car with expensive old pieces that don’t
fit together very well? Does your car look good but give really bad mileage?
You may be able to relate to the plight of Brooklyn
Nets fans right now.
You probably live in a
hill-station like Shimla, Mussoorie, or Nainital. You love to go on treks, and
whenever your friends visit, they have a hard time breathing. Have all your
hometown friends with potential left for opportunities to other cities? It’s
only right that you pick the Denver
Nuggets.
You are from a hill-station, too,
and once upon a time, it was popular for having the best hotels and boarding
schools in the country. But hardly anyone visits anymore, dear Utah Jazz fan. That Eiffel Tower
replica looks nice on Mall Road, though.
Once, you were one of the
healthiest and most active people in your friends circle. But you ate a
suspect-looking plate of Chhola-Batura off
the street and now you’re really sick. For the last three years, you keep
eating that same Chhola-Batura and
you haven’t stopped puking. Welcome to the world of the Philadelphia 76ers.
Whenever you read the
Mahabharata, you can’t help but imagine how great it would’ve been if Arjun and
Karan were on the same side instead of fighting each other. Imagine how
unstoppable they would be? Of course, the coach (Krishna) will probably need to
figure out a way to make sure there were enough arrows in the quiver for both
of them. Try Durant and Westbrook in the Oklahoma
City Thunder.
You love Sachin Tendulkar so much
that you support every team he ever played for domestically (Mumbai, Mumbai
Indians) and worship him internationally for Team India. Life without Sachin
was tough for you, but his successors could give you similar joys if they
stopped getting hurt so much. Since you love the best ever, you’ll probably
like Michael Jordan, too. And you’ll love the team he was forever associated
with: the Chicago Bulls.
Sachin Tendulkar decided to run
your family business, and it’s not going well. Charlotte Hornets.
You are a man’s man. You
subscribe to Maxim, FHM, and Men’s World magazines, ride around a bullet, and
haven’t shaved your beard for years. Your favourite ‘Jungle Book’ character is
Baloo the Bhalu. Nothing but the Memphis
Grizzlies will suffice.
You go into theatre to watch the
newest star-studded film, but just before the final act, there is a power cut
and you miss the ending. For some reason, his keeps happening to you over and
over again. You enjoy the comedic beginnings, romantic moments, and the item
numbers, but the last action scene and conclusion remains elusive. These days,
those power cuts are happening before intermission. Join the Phoenix Suns.
Although you love your ghar ka khana – your mom’s simple
home-cooked meals – sometimes to strive for something more exciting.
Unfortunately, the last time you came close to a fancy restaurant, there was a
brawl. You returned to your daal back
home. Try the Indiana Pacers.
Have you had the best year ever?
Did you get a promotion at work, buy a new car, finish every level of Angry
Birds, and got more Facebook ‘likes’ on your profile pic than ever before? Good
for you. Now stop being smug and start supporting the Golden State Warriors.
You are from New Delhi and
probably spend your days driving around India Gate, the Rashtrapati Bhavan, and
the Red Fort. When you go back home, however, you end up fighting for a parking
spot with that annoying uncle who keeps puncturing people’s tires. Welcome to
the Washington Wizards fan club.
You travel to exotic corners of
the world, have access to interesting culinary delights, and you only crave
Indian food, no matter how bad it is, Phir
Bhi Dil Hai Hindustani, after all. You like eating at these bad Indian
restaurants with one good dish. Join the Sacramento
Kings. Hopefully, Indian owner Vivek Ranadive, Indo-Canadian player Sim
Bhullar, and DeMarcus Cousins can add some masala
to those flavourless dishes soon.
Are you the type of Indian who
doesn’t like to see other Indian be successful? Then bugger off. To everyone
else, there are the
Dallas Mavericks.
Sure, they feature an All Time legend (Dirk Nowitzki) and won a championship
just four years ago. But the real reason for you to pay attention is that this
is the team that
drafted
the first Indian to the NBA, Satnam Singh. Get ready to wear your
tiranga flag and stand up and sing the
Jana-Gana-Mana… with the Mavericks.
Unless Satnam doesn’t ever make the team, in which case, you have 29 other
teams to choose from!
